April 2025: So, last week I saw my YMCA -friend, Raymond, sitting at the table in the lobby of the Y near the very important coffee urns. This is the social area of the Y, where folks gather to play Backgammon, share family updates, to tell tall tales or to simply enjoy hanging out together. The coffee may not be the best, but it attracts a lot of folks. In fact, there are quite a few members that never seem to get beyond that coffee drinking part of their time at the YMCA. Yes, what I really mean is that they never find their way to any of the workout rooms before needing to go home… or to the store… or to pretty much any destination other than the exercise spaces.
So, back to Raymond. Quite a few YMCA members and staff were hanging around Raymond while he was hanging around the coffee pots. I recalled the conversation Raymond and I had the day before where he expressed the notion that he was pretty much anti-social, saying “I basically have about eleven people that I talk to.” To be honest, this is not the first trait you would consider using to describe Raymond since he is a good-looking, previously married older guy with a great smile. He is also someone who warmly greets most everyone he sees when he occasionally finds himself in one of the workout rooms due to a wrong turn in the lobby.
I reminded Raymond of his comment the day before and then said, ”It actually looks as though you are chatting with a lot more than those eleven folks right now.” He just smiled. So did I.
Very quickly after my not so keen observation, a woman sitting nearby with the name of Betsy spoke up and said, ”He is a ho (think the movie Sleepless in Seattle).” It took me a moment to process the words out of Betsy’s mouth (it was 8:30 in the morning after all). So, Betsy again stated, ”Maybe that was not clear to you….He is a Ho!” I looked at her, kept on my smile and said, “Don’t you think he is just friendly?” Not to be deterred from her pronouncement, she forcefully shook her head.
Now, what am I really thinking in response to Betsy’s proclamation? Well, first an observation. Betsy reminded me of my grandfather’s girlfriend: tight gray curls surrounding her face, no make-up that you can see, a perfectly presentable red nylon zip-up jacket, sensible shoes and a purse on her lap. So, honestly, she just did not look like the type who spends much time speaking with “hos.” And upon further reflection, I wondered if she might just be complimenting Raymond, because there is perhaps a time in everyone’s life when they would like to be known as some version of a “ho.”
While the brief discussion with Betsy is taking place, Raymond offers a patient, but almost forlorn look, making it clear that this was likely not the first time to hear this word when referring to him. His response to Betsy was, “Look at my t-shirt, I don’t want to be just friendly. I want to be kind.” I guess Raymond hoped that if he got us to focus on his t-shirt message, we would move on from the conversation Betsy was intent on pursuing. I also believe I know Raymond well enough to recognize that his t-shirt offered a message that was very important to him despite the timing. Rather than simply being friendly, or polite, it was important to him that he be a kind, or authentically caring and concerned, person in his community.
After a subtle pause in the conversation while folks considered whether Raymond was in fact friendly, or kind or simply a “ho,” it was very clear to me that there would be no way to mediate shared closure to the discussion without getting into a lot of trouble. Therefore, I decided that it was time for me to go home to walk our pooch, whether she really needed a walk then or not.
Although I left the conversation and am not sure how it was resolved, if at all, a question remained in my mind. Of course, I would not attempt to answer the question as to whether my 70-year-old Y- friend should be referred to a “ho” in the future. However, the part of the conversation that remained in my head was the joy expressed by Raymond in his insistence that he be considered kind. I believe he is just that and given what we see happening in the world today, we would be in a much better place if everyone recognized the difference between friendliness and kindness and demonstrated the capacity to authentically care for one another in our daily lives…. just like Raymond. Even if occasionally, you get called a “ho.”